How To Process Insecurities

[00:00:02] Hey, Better Days family. Welcome to Better Days Podcast Season 9.

[00:00:07] This season of the Better Days Podcast, we're going to talk about different aspects of mental

[00:00:12] health and suffering. Throughout these episodes, we're going to lay a theological framework for

[00:00:16] each topic, flesh out misunderstandings that we sometimes hold, and offer practical advice

[00:00:22] and tips to help you along in your journey through mental health and suffering. We're

[00:00:28] going to be joined by various friends that I'm so glad are sharing their expertise and advice

[00:00:34] on these important and valuable conversations. If you're new to Better Days, we're a non-profit

[00:00:41] seeking to bring hope, awareness, and education to all things mental health and suffering.

[00:00:46] We help churches, people, and leaders understand the intersection between mental health and

[00:00:51] suffering and following Jesus. For more content from Better Days or to support our work, check

[00:00:56] out our website, betterdaysfmy.co. Let's jump into this week's episode.

[00:01:04] Hey, friends, welcome to another episode of Better Days Podcast with Stephanie Cain and Jason

[00:01:11] Cain, the only doctor on this table.

[00:01:14] Dr. Jason Cain The only doctor.

[00:01:15] Wesley Towne Dr. Stephanie Cain. And I've been thinking about

[00:01:19] doing an episode, having a conversation about insecurity for a while, because I think when we

[00:01:24] talk about the human condition and mental health and just the challenges that we face internally in

[00:01:30] our mind and our emotion, insecurity is such a prevalent reality for so many people. And to be

[00:01:36] honest, all of us struggle with insecurity. None of us have a perfect narrative about ourselves

[00:01:43] as we are thinking about our worth and our value. We often have doubts about ourselves

[00:01:48] and different aspects and relationships and spheres of life. And so, when I say the word

[00:01:54] insecurity, what do you think?

[00:01:57] Stephanie Cain I think of the valuation that you give yourself

[00:02:02] in various circumstances.

[00:02:04] Jason Cain Yeah, the thing that comes to my mind is just

[00:02:06] the word normal, right? It's normal for people to have insecurities, to think of themselves as

[00:02:11] less than in some cases. But as we'll talk about a little later on, it's not necessarily a bad thing.

[00:02:18] Because it shows you areas in your life where you need to experience growth. It can become an

[00:02:23] extremely negative thing when our insecurities are screaming at us so loud that we can't function

[00:02:28] in life or that we take on negative attributes because of it. But we'll see it as being something

[00:02:35] that can help you grow, but it is something that can put you into a stalemate as well in life.

[00:02:39] Jason Cain Yeah, I think normalizing it is so healthy.

[00:02:42] Because think about Moses. Here's one of the greatest characters in biblical history.

[00:02:47] God calls him out of the desert of Midian where he was a shepherd back to Egypt, his homeland,

[00:02:55] and he says, I want you to deliver my people out of Egypt. I want you to go speak to Pharaoh,

[00:03:00] the person in charge, the highest authority in the land. And he doubts his ability to communicate.

[00:03:07] And so, Aaron has to communicate for Moses because he's so insecure about his speech.

[00:03:13] And I just think that's so interesting that the Bible would highlight that.

[00:03:17] That's all of our story.

[00:03:18] Miles Yeah. And what's true about that story is

[00:03:22] Moses did have a stuttering issue, an issue with speech. So, it was something that could limit him.

[00:03:29] But what we see in that story is like if God calls you to do something, your limitations don't stop

[00:03:33] God's purposes. So, I think Moses had a good view of what he could and could not do. And it just

[00:03:38] caused him to rely on God. And for people who are believers, that's what our insecurities should do,

[00:03:43] should cause us to rely on God, but not be timid about what we can achieve in life.

[00:03:46] Pete Yeah, so good. I think,

[00:03:48] think about our situation, Jason. We all came from different churches and different

[00:03:54] places and spheres of ministry, and we came onto this team with 10, 12 of the most talented

[00:04:01] leaders, pastors, communicators in the nation.

[00:04:04] Jason Sure.

[00:04:05] Pete I won't count myself in that, but you're definitely in that camp.

[00:04:08] And man, all of us, I imagine at times we're like, whoa, that person's a really good leader.

[00:04:14] Jason Sure, sure.

[00:04:15] Pete Or that person's a really good thinker. That person's a really good communicator.

[00:04:19] Jason Yeah.

[00:04:19] Pete Those are interesting spheres that we enter into life and how do we think about

[00:04:27] those spheres in a healthy way that doesn't cause us to lose our confidence, our worth, our value?

[00:04:33] So, I think one of the things to bring up to the surface in this conversation is what are common

[00:04:41] insecurity traps? Like, what are common traps where people get involved in maybe an unhealthy

[00:04:48] rumination and view of themselves over a long period of time?

[00:04:51] Jason Yeah.

[00:04:52] I think you can get caught up in insecurity when you start to believe that you can't harness the

[00:05:00] insecurity and you can't use the insecurity. So, I really love the conversation we're having

[00:05:05] about now normalizing that everybody has insecurity and looking at Moses on how even

[00:05:10] his insecurity was used in a way that allowed him to really be more dependent on the Lord.

[00:05:18] And insecurities show up and they tell us these stories about ourselves and they limit,

[00:05:23] they can limit us, but they can also be an alert system that you can use to motivate you to grow

[00:05:29] in an area that maybe you need to grow or to motivate you or encourage you to be more dependent

[00:05:35] in a healthy way on partnering with other people who can encourage you and help build you up.

[00:05:40] Pete That's really good. Yeah.

[00:05:42] Miles I think another one of the, I guess,

[00:05:43] the traps that insecurity can take you in is comparison.

[00:05:45] Jason Yes.

[00:05:46] Miles So, when you get stuck in this comparison trap,

[00:05:48] I'm comparing myself to another speaker, I'm comparing myself to another dad or another mom,

[00:05:52] which happens online all the time, your insecurity will make you overcompensate

[00:05:57] for what you should be doing, right? Like you see another parent out there cooking every day

[00:06:02] of the week and you're thinking to yourself, oh, I can't take my kids out to eat. Well,

[00:06:05] your life situation might be different where you're dropping your kids off here and there.

[00:06:09] They got football at one time, baseball at another time. So, it's going to be impossible

[00:06:13] with all the things that you do. And I think we don't always know what's happening in everybody's

[00:06:17] life. Everybody's situation isn't the same. And I think when we get in this trap of comparison,

[00:06:22] if our insecurities take over, it'll make us do things that are,

[00:06:25] that make us react in unhealthy ways because of our insecurity.

[00:06:29] Jared Yeah. We can't measure ourself,

[00:06:31] our worth, and our success by other people's kind of storyline and narrative and success.

[00:06:38] I think that's entirely unhealthy. And when we do that, we end up measuring ourselves

[00:06:44] and our calling in unhealthy ways that God does not like place on us.

[00:06:50] Yvonne And I think that's why there are two things to really help with that. And one is

[00:06:55] to really spend time connecting with God so that you can start believing about yourself,

[00:06:59] what he believes about you. And that only comes from relationship with the Lord.

[00:07:04] And then also the relationship that we have with other people, finding people who you can trust,

[00:07:10] people who have credibility, people who know you, people who are willing to challenge you even

[00:07:15] to tell you the truth when you're believing a lie about yourself.

[00:07:19] Yeah. I think another thing that insecurity leaks into is imposter syndrome. I think those

[00:07:24] things run hand in hand. Imposter syndrome says, you know, I shouldn't have the job that I have,

[00:07:30] or I shouldn't get in the position that I'm in. If they find out who I really am,

[00:07:33] I'm not going to be able to get it. And I think insecurity just yells at us in those

[00:07:37] circumstances to make us think we're inadequate and can't get the job done.

[00:07:40] Pete I've heard so many interviews of great,

[00:07:43] successful people that all say, when I started in this, I told them that imposter syndrome.

[00:07:49] I didn't know what I was doing. I had to learn. I had to gain confidence in this. And people thought

[00:07:54] I was really good, but there were so many gaps that I knew inside of myself I didn't have.

[00:07:58] But if you think about it, there was a study that was done about imposter syndrome and how

[00:08:03] it actually can aid you in becoming what you need to become because you know what your shortfalls are

[00:08:08] and you know where you need to seek help and you know where you need to get better.

[00:08:11] Like maybe the thing that's worse than insecurity is overconfidence. Because if you're overconfident,

[00:08:16] then you're like, I don't need any help. I know exactly what I'm doing. And then that's

[00:08:19] when you run into a problem. So it can be a good thing if it's used in the right way.

[00:08:24] Yeah. The more that you know, the more that you realize you don't know.

[00:08:27] So true.

[00:08:27] What do you do with that?

[00:08:28] Yeah.

[00:08:28] The older I get, the more I realize I don't know. When I was younger, I thought I knew everything

[00:08:32] and I did it.

[00:08:34] The question is like, where does insecurity push you to? Does it push you towards curiosity

[00:08:39] to discover, to learning, or does it push you in a corner and tell you don't even do anything?

[00:08:44] Where does your insecurity push you to? Because again, we all have them. For Moses,

[00:08:49] it pushed him to rely on God heavily, which is a great thing. So it just depends on where

[00:08:53] it takes you to.

[00:08:54] That's a really valuable point. So the trap of comparison, the trap of, what's the word you

[00:09:00] would say? Imposter syndrome. The trap of unhealthy self-dialogue, I think is a major part of

[00:09:07] this whole conversation. The story we tell ourself about ourself is the story we believe

[00:09:14] about ourselves. So what is the story that you're telling yourself about yourself? That

[00:09:19] is such an important part of security versus insecurity.

[00:09:24] And who's the narrator of that story? That's not always you. We grow up and we're influenced by

[00:09:29] people around us, the people who we relate to. And maybe some of us grew up in a household

[00:09:34] where the story that we were told about ourselves were really negative stories. And we

[00:09:38] personalize and internalize that dialogue, and now we've adopted it as our own. So I think

[00:09:44] it's a good thing to ask yourself, who is shaping, who influenced this story? And what was

[00:09:50] happening with that person? And do I really view that person as a credible source for what

[00:09:55] I'm telling them?

[00:09:55] I mean, negative self-dialogue that's harmful is like, I'm stupid, I'm not worthy, I'm dumb,

[00:10:01] I'm inadequate. And really you can change those things from statements that are true of you. Like,

[00:10:06] I'm stupid is final, right? And it's not, you're not stupid. I read in a study, this lady named

[00:10:12] Carol Dweck wrote a book called Mindset. And she talks about a fixed mindset versus a growth

[00:10:16] mindset. A fixed mindset statement is I'm stupid. Nothing else can happen. But a growth mindset is,

[00:10:22] I don't know how to do this yet, but I'll learn. So insecurity will make you think, hey, I'm done,

[00:10:28] I'm stuck in this position. I'm inadequate, I can't learn. But a growth mindset will say,

[00:10:34] hey, I can take what I'm experiencing right now and I can learn to do what I need to do.

[00:10:39] And I think that's where the difference between a person who's healthy in their insecurities versus

[00:10:43] unhealthy in their insecurities lies.

[00:10:45] Peter- Stephanie, what are some common cognitive distortions that people

[00:10:51] begin to practice, become habitual internally around themselves? Like their view of themselves?

[00:10:57] Yeah, I think first of all, what Jason was talking about is people operating in absolutes.

[00:11:03] I always, I never, they put themselves in a box, I am. So these types of absolutes really

[00:11:11] lock people into this sense of insecurity in a way that they feel like they could never get out

[00:11:15] of it. And then there's all these different categories of areas where we feel insecure.

[00:11:19] We have physical insecurities, relational insecurities, emotional insecurities,

[00:11:23] financial insecurities, and all of these things can be shaped by our own experiences. And I very

[00:11:29] valid in real experiences. And I think that's the pitfall of insecurities is to a certain degree,

[00:11:35] there is some true experience that really undergirds why we shape these beliefs,

[00:11:42] these insecure beliefs. And so, we get stuck in that because there's some truth to where

[00:11:47] that's coming from, then we believe that all of it is true of us.

[00:11:50] Absolutely. That's really good. I think, like you said, we get stuck in this static mindset,

[00:11:56] like this is finality, this is who I am. I'm always going to be this way. I'm never going to

[00:12:01] be better or worthy or good enough or what have you. And realizing that those thoughts are powerful

[00:12:10] in our lives. And it's hard to get unstuck sometimes. It's hard to believe the opposite

[00:12:17] side. So, if somebody has been thinking these negative thoughts about themselves or another

[00:12:23] trap being the trap of destructive words like you mentioned, like somebody else said things about

[00:12:28] you that have lingered in your soul and lingered in your mind. How does a person go from,

[00:12:34] I've been thinking this about myself for the last 10 years. This is neuroplasticity wired into my

[00:12:40] brain, affecting my soul, affecting my relationships, affecting my relationship with

[00:12:45] God, my relationship with people, my own confidence in the giftings that God has given me. How does a

[00:12:51] person go from that place to a place of health, knowing that it takes time to untangle the

[00:12:59] negative dialogue? Therapy.

[00:13:01] Therapy.

[00:13:02] Right? I think therapy is probably at the top of the list. You need to have someone who can

[00:13:06] have these conversations with to help you in the process. Because like you said, it takes time for

[00:13:11] you to do that. And I think the way you change your dialogue is you literally, maybe you journal

[00:13:16] about who you are, the fact that you can grow to know that you can change. You talked about

[00:13:20] neuroplasticity and I think what we're learning through people like, what's the lady's name? Who's

[00:13:24] the neuroplasticity person? She wrote the book on it. I can't remember, but you can literally rewire

[00:13:30] your mind. Carolyn Leaf, talks about how you can rewire your mind. But I think going to therapy

[00:13:37] is a very valuable experience where you can help overcome your insecurities along with journaling

[00:13:44] and just knowing that it's a process that's going to take time. It's Romans 12, one and two. You

[00:13:49] got to be transformed by the renewing of your mind. So this renewal takes place over time.

[00:13:54] And the work I do with clients in that is cognitive reconstruction. And that is consider

[00:13:59] alternative stories. What else could be true? Even if you don't believe it now, what else could

[00:14:05] be true? Because what happens to us in our minds is we have these insecurities we believe in and

[00:14:10] all of a sudden, as we're entering situations, we pull evidence to support what we already believe

[00:14:17] to be true. And so we come into the room and we see if I think that I am just odd and people

[00:14:24] don't want to be around me, I walk into a room and everybody's talking and maybe they didn't

[00:14:28] notice I walk in and then I tell myself, see, they saw me and they just now they're trying to

[00:14:32] busy themselves not to be around me. I'm looking for evidence to support, but instead challenge

[00:14:37] your thinking to go, okay, what else could be true? What else could it be? Could it be that they just

[00:14:42] didn't notice I came in because I came in quietly? Okay, how can I test to see? And then also the

[00:14:48] next thing is to test your belief. That takes a risk. Let me test it in some way. When I enter

[00:14:55] that room, let me go ahead and try to start a conversation with somebody to see if they receive

[00:15:00] me or not to see if this is true or not. The more you test and you prove your insecurity to be false,

[00:15:07] then that's when the restructuring occurs. You're creating new pathways in your brain,

[00:15:13] new evidence to support a different story, a different narrative about yourself.

[00:15:17] But what do you do in a scenario where you're like, your insecurity is true though?

[00:15:20] It's true.

[00:15:21] So going back to like sometimes people do enter into a room and the people are like,

[00:15:24] I'm annoyed by this person. What do you do in that case? Because it's an insecurity, but it's

[00:15:28] valid.

[00:15:29] Yeah. That's changing from the fixed mindset to the growth mindset to see, am I able to change?

[00:15:35] Is this a behavior? This is not who I am. There is a behavior that I'm engaging in. There's a

[00:15:42] behavior that I'm doing that is causing this to happen, that is causing people to be repelled

[00:15:48] from me or move away from me. So maybe if I change the behavior, then it'll change their

[00:15:54] response to me. So start externalizing it and looking at yourself, not from who you are,

[00:15:59] but what you're doing because that's, you can always change what you're doing.

[00:16:03] Yeah. And if there's not a behavior at the root of that, like there's not a behavior causing

[00:16:09] that consequence socially, relationally, I would just say it's hurtful. Like it's hurtful when we're

[00:16:15] judged and we're excluded from people based on something about ourselves. But I would say

[00:16:23] secondly, one of the hardest things to do is to realize we can't measure our worth by approval.

[00:16:30] Pete Yeah.

[00:16:30] Right? Like we have to realize, and this is where I think our understanding of God,

[00:16:36] finding our security and our identity in God is so valuable because we have something to

[00:16:41] root our identity in. The fact that in the beginning, God created us in His image and

[00:16:47] His likeness. That means we are, we literally are like statues. That's the word image.

[00:16:54] We're like statues. You ever, you know, LA Acres have some great statues, Kobe Bryant statue.

[00:16:58] You see the AI statue?

[00:17:00] No.

[00:17:00] Allen Iverson statue?

[00:17:01] Oh yeah, the AI statue.

[00:17:02] Bless his heart.

[00:17:03] Yes. He's one of my favorite players growing up.

[00:17:05] Me too, man.

[00:17:05] The Shaq statue, Jerry West. Statues are a reflection of the real thing.

[00:17:11] We're a reflection of God. God placed so much value and worth on us that when He created us,

[00:17:18] He literally created us to reflect Him in His nature. We reflect Him. Like we represent God,

[00:17:26] we have value and purpose and vocation and gifting, but we also reflect God's nature

[00:17:32] in like who we are. God's love, we love. God's compassionate, we're compassionate.

[00:17:36] God is God of justice, we feel justice. And I share that to say built in, wired into every

[00:17:44] human being is this design by God that shapes our understanding that we have intrinsic

[00:17:52] worth and value. And the only healthy way to measure our security, our confidence

[00:18:02] is by understanding our value in God. That is the most objective reality we have.

[00:18:10] So many of these scenarios are subjective. Some of them are objective, but the fact that we can

[00:18:14] root our life and we're creating the image of God and begin to say to ourselves, when those negative

[00:18:21] stories always come up, we have an alternative story being what does God say about me?

[00:18:27] How did God design me? If people say I'm bad, God says I'm forgiven. If people, if I say I'm not good

[00:18:36] enough or this happened in my life so I'm never going to move past this point, God says no,

[00:18:42] you are loved and you have a hope and a future. There's something about maybe even writing a

[00:18:49] chart, like negative views about myself, God's views about myself. And every time

[00:18:55] a negative story about ourself comes up, write it down on the left side. And every time that happens,

[00:19:02] intentionally write the counter story that God says about you on the right side.

[00:19:08] That could be a really healthy way to begin to retrain.

[00:19:11] It just makes me think about Jesus. Jesus, people had horrible negative things to say

[00:19:16] about Jesus all the way through, like, oh, He's a liar. He breaks the rules. Like, who is this guy?

[00:19:23] He went to His own town and tried to perform miracles and they were like, who? Like, really?

[00:19:29] Pete and Pete- Yeah.

[00:19:29] Yeah.

[00:19:29] Yvonne You know, like, He was faced also what could have been insecurities with people who did

[00:19:36] try to tell Him that He is less than who He really is all the time, His entire time there,

[00:19:42] you know, doing ministry. He was constantly being told that. And so, when we look at our

[00:19:46] circumstances and we go back to the root, which is like, we are made in the image of God and that

[00:19:51] is where our value is. But then we go, but look at my situation. People say this about me. I

[00:19:55] experienced that. I did this. I did that. You go, okay, well, Jesus, who we know is perfection,

[00:20:02] people said all kinds of stuff about Him, you know, and yet He still is Jesus.

[00:20:09] Pete But remember too, you ain't Jesus.

[00:20:12] Yvonne No, you're not Jesus.

[00:20:13] Pete So sometimes, like, I want to make it clear.

[00:20:17] Sometimes what people are saying about you is something for you to reflect on and make a change

[00:20:24] and have a place of growth.

[00:20:25] Yvonne It's good to reflect on it, but you don't have to make it who you are, your identity.

[00:20:29] Pete Sure. You don't have to make it your

[00:20:30] identity because sometimes the feedback we get from people, I think, can help us to grow and improve.

[00:20:37] Like, I think one of the things I've seen happen in the context of church is people like,

[00:20:41] well, if God like me, that's all that matters. Well, calm down. You know, yes, God loves you,

[00:20:46] but you should be winsome to people. You should love your neighbors. You don't have to be liked by

[00:20:51] everybody, but if everybody does not like you, there's probably an opportunity for growth there.

[00:20:55] Yvonne Yeah, yeah, for sure. So to kind of

[00:20:59] sum up this episode, how do we move from insecurity to security? So two quick things,

[00:21:07] value the image of God in yourself. So, so important and value the image of God in others

[00:21:15] because sometimes in our insecurity, we downplay other people. We like to try to elevate ourselves

[00:21:22] and then deconstruct other people. And I think a couple things that I think about when I think

[00:21:29] about these two things, value the image of God in yourself and value the image of God in others.

[00:21:35] Stay in your lane, right? That's Kevin Thompson. Like, run your race. Like, you have a race

[00:21:41] that you've been given that nobody else has ever been given. And you're not supposed to race me or

[00:21:48] Jason or Stephanie, you're just supposed to stay in your lane and run your race and value your

[00:21:54] opportunity in life. Your story is not other people's stories. Sometimes we let another

[00:22:00] person's story overshadow the value of our own worth and story. So recognize that like you have

[00:22:07] a lane, you have a story, you have value in and of yourself. My value like I look at you and I see

[00:22:16] in both of you like so many gifts, like brilliant, charismatic, great communicators. I don't have to

[00:22:24] look at you guys and say, I'm less valuable because you're gifted. No, God has given me a few gifts as

[00:22:32] well. And I can see my value through the lens of what God has given me and I can see your value

[00:22:39] through the lens of what God has given you. And I think we all have our individual purpose in life.

[00:22:45] So, recognizing that we don't, it's like social media, you know? We look at everybody's life and

[00:22:51] we realize, oh, like that's not the entirety of their story, right? Like that's curated and filtered

[00:23:01] and they probably took many photos to produce that. That's just not reality. And I just think

[00:23:10] recognizing our own worth and other people's worth are two building blocks in the equation to go from

[00:23:18] insecurity to security.

[00:23:19] Marilynne And I think to Jason's point,

[00:23:22] accept our limitations. You're not perfect. None of us are.

[00:23:25] Pete None of us.

[00:23:26] Marilynne There are areas that we can grow in.

[00:23:29] Pete Yes.

[00:23:30] Marilynne And then there is, we're not going to make it to the point of being excellent at

[00:23:35] everything. There are going to be some shortcomings. So, we can always use it as an opportunity for

[00:23:41] growth, not to make it an identity of who we are. So, don't allow your insecurities to keep you

[00:23:49] from growing and developing and challenging yourself and watching yourself go from one

[00:23:54] point to the next. That's what the whole journey of life is about, is that growth,

[00:23:59] is growing and recognizing your shortcomings.

[00:24:00] Pete Really good.

[00:24:01] Marilynne Yeah.

[00:24:01] Pete Yeah. I think there's an acronym for this because there's always an acronym. I'm the

[00:24:05] acronym, like I love acronyms. So, I think if you find yourself in a place of insecurity, this is

[00:24:10] how you deal with it. It's SAFE, S-A-F-E. The S is self-reflect. So, reflect on your insecurities,

[00:24:16] ask yourself the source of them, where they come from. And then the A is accept,

[00:24:20] accept that you have flaws. All of us do. There's not a human being out there who does not have

[00:24:25] flaws, who does not have areas of growth. Then F is focus on growth. So, identify that, hey,

[00:24:32] when I enter into a room, sometimes I can be abrasive. Identify that and I want to grow from

[00:24:37] that. You can grow from anything. It's having a growth mindset. And then E is empower. Empower

[00:24:41] yourself with the right people, put people around you that can help you become more self-aware.

[00:24:46] I think the, I don't know if the opposite of insecurity is self-awareness, but I think

[00:24:49] self-awareness plays a part of saying, this is who I am as an individual, but this is how I can

[00:24:54] grow to become who I want to be. Yeah. That last point's interesting and so valuable because

[00:24:59] relationships are like a mirror. Any healthy relationship, you get into it and you're hanging

[00:25:04] with somebody, you're going to realize, oh, there's something that this person is actually

[00:25:09] helping to empower me to grow. Like, so healthy. What a great conversation. I just feel like just

[00:25:16] saying to you who are listening, some of you are struggling with this deeply and it's hard work

[00:25:23] to go from insecurity to security. And even you may have been listening to this and still doubt

[00:25:30] yourself. And I just want you to know there is hope for you. There is incredible value in your life,

[00:25:36] in your purpose, in your gifting, what you have to offer relationships in this world.

[00:25:42] And this might be just the beginning step, taking small steps forward. Maybe some of these

[00:25:47] practical tools or concepts or mindsets that we talk about will really help. But I just want you

[00:25:53] to know there are better days for you. Can I say one more thing? Yes.

[00:25:55] Before you need to end with a statement, there are better days for you because it's perfect. But

[00:26:00] how would you put overcompensation and insecurities together? Like how does

[00:26:07] overcompensating for your insecurities negatively affect your life? Because I think we've seen that

[00:26:12] in some cases as well. Let's pass this to Dr. Kane.

[00:26:16] Yeah, I think this is the whole relational piece of it. Imagine if all of us made it a goal and

[00:26:24] a focus to not overcompensate. Then we've adjusted the whole expectation that we have of each other.

[00:26:32] Even the example of the social media posts, right? We are constantly adjusting, curating to

[00:26:38] have the perfect picture come through. There could be some element of overcompensation there,

[00:26:43] which then leads to somebody in your audience watching going, well, I need to look this way.

[00:26:49] What would happen if we decide in our relationships, even if we start small and we start with

[00:26:55] in our friendship groups, we're going to do less to overcompensate. We're going to check

[00:27:01] ourselves when we're finding ourselves trying to adjust our lives to make it look like what

[00:27:06] it really isn't. I give an example. I had a cousin, and this was years ago. I noticed on her,

[00:27:13] it actually was social media interesting, but she posted that she had a special,

[00:27:17] I don't know what she called it, but it was a spaghetti day where she invited friends

[00:27:22] and they rotated the friends who would come for dinner for spaghetti. And they all agreed,

[00:27:26] we're not going to clean our house. We're not going to break out the great China. We're not

[00:27:30] going to do any of that. You're going to come to my house as is, and we're going to use the

[00:27:35] dishes that we have, and we're just going to have spaghetti. That's what we're going to do.

[00:27:39] And they just kind of started posting pictures and you saw a pile of laundry in the corner

[00:27:43] and the dishes weren't clean. You saw the pot that was messy with the sauce on the side

[00:27:48] and people sitting in the middle of the table looking like just sweat, hair, whatever,

[00:27:54] and all having spaghetti and having a great time. What would happen if we really leaned more into

[00:27:59] that authenticity, that rawness of who we are? That's such a great example. And I would struggle

[00:28:07] with that. I am OCD clean. I can't function without everything in place.

[00:28:12] If that's who you are, then that's authentic. What is your motivation? If you are OCD clean

[00:28:20] and your motivation is that this is what's comfortable for me, I'm not doing that to

[00:28:25] prove myself to anybody. This is who I am. Then that is authentically who you are and you can be

[00:28:33] that. So there's also an acceptance that needs to come with the over, to combat the overcompensation

[00:28:40] and acceptance of accepting people where they are and who they are, which allows you to accept

[00:28:45] yourself to a certain degree of where your shortcomings are. Dr. Stephanie Cain dropping

[00:28:52] the mic on this episode. We hope you enjoyed this conversation. There are better days ahead for you.

[00:28:58] Talk to you again next week. Thank you for joining us today. We would love for you to help in

[00:29:05] spreading the word about Better Days Podcast so that we can bring hope and help to people navigating

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[00:29:17] walking through a hard moment or you can also share on your social channels. We appreciate

[00:29:23] every person's support. You can find more resources at betterdaysfmy.co.

[00:29:29] Join us for another episode next week. There are better days ahead.