S3E2: Loneliness & Isolation

Well, hey everyone, in today's leadership lesson and time together, I want to talk to you about how to deal with loneliness and isolation in ministry. You know, part of these videos are to share real life lessons with real issues that church leaders go through. And no matter where you are or serving the Lord in whatever context or position you are at, you're probably going to deal with this issue of being isolated and lonely. I wrote this down, leadership can be isolating, and church leaders and pastors may feel they lack peers who understand their unique pressures of ministry. For some of us, we may struggle with building authentic relationships within a congregation that we even serve. ⁓ because of professional boundaries and what do we share, what do we not share? Do people get it? Do we can we relate? ⁓ we may even lack confidence to share personal information because you know. Everything shouldn't be shared. We may even feel unappreciated, misunderstood, the role of being a church leader, a pastor, a planter, get discouraged. And it causes us to sort of push back on relationship and community when God wants us to actually build that into our life. And I want you to understand, you're not alone with this issue. It's a very common thing for pastors, for leaders, for people in ministry to feel like they're facing challenges all alone. And it's important for us to talk about it, discuss it. And learn how to deal with these challenges. Because I know I faced it being isolated, being lonely. And I'm a pretty extroverted, connected person. These are common issues, and we need to understand it doesn't matter if you're introvert, introverted, or extroverted, if you're dealing with people in your in your church or outside of your church, these are pretty struggles you're gonna have in this broken world. We live in a sinful, broken, messed up world. And we're gonna have conflict and relationships. And we need just sort of practical help on how do we build community and how do we walk ⁓ in relationship with one another. And so what I wanna do in this video is give us some wisdom and principles to help cultivate community, to help find community, especially as church leaders. ⁓ because I think we need to talk about how. How as church leaders do we face with this real struggle of loneliness and isolation? And I want to give some wisdom, but I also just want to look at a character in the Bible who had a great impact in ministry that we probably all know about, idolized and have seen an example in the Apostle Paul. He was a great leader used by God, and he we can actually glean some biblical principles on how to deal with these challenges that we all face in isolation. Now, you may think the Apostle Paul is a Lone Ranger ⁓ because he's such a unique character. Character in the Bible that God used in great ways. And God did use him in great ways. But we're going to learn from this character, the Apostle Paul, that he actually overcame isolation, being lonely ⁓ when serving the Lord, because ⁓ the great things God called him to was not just to do it by himself, but to do it with people. And we can learn some principles. And so the first thing that I want you to see, if you want to know how do I deal with Being isolated, lonely. What can I do in this situation as a church leader? First principle is this: build systems of structure to support relationship. We see the Apostle Paul work in teams. He built a system and structure to support relationship, to cultivate unity, to cultivate community. ⁓ Now, what do I mean by this? Well, when we serve in ⁓ with others, we have shared experiences and it helps us foster relationships. And I want you to realize you don't have to serve God alone. In fact, God doesn't want us to serve in isolation. ⁓ Ephesians chapter 4, verses 11 through 12, the apostle Paul said he gave the apostles, he gave some the apostles, the prophets, the evangelists, the shepherds, ⁓ and teachers to equip the saints for the work of the ministry for building up the body of Christ. Some refer to this new style testament of leadership, ⁓ apex. Because it's apostles, prophets, evangelists, shepherds, teachers. But no matter what you call it, what's evident in this passage is that God wants a team approach to minister to his body. He wants us doing it with people, and we're all uniquely different and have different gifts, and we're to work together. And when we work together in team, we're going to build systems or a system of structure to support relationship. You know, Proverbs 18 1 says whoever isolates himself seeks. His own desire. He breaks against all sound judgment. We're gonna be wise if we walk ⁓ in community like we were made to. The triune God, right? We're made in his image. And just as there's Father, Son, and Spirit, we actually thrive when we're in community and we can serve the Lord in a team atmosphere so that we don't feel isolated. We ha we are serving the Lord together. ⁓ Peyton Jones in his book Church Plantology, it's the art and science of church planning. He talks about this team approach and he says the sum of a great team is greater than its parts, and it will accomplish more collectively. Moses led with seventy elders, David had thirty-seven mighty men, Jesus traveled with his twelve. Paul created a network of thirty-two missionary partners, yet we still ignore the emphasis in scripture on team leadership. Listen, I'm all for first amongst equals. We have to have a leader amongst leaders, and you have to have ⁓ you know, you can't have multiple heads, but we serve Jesus with many people. And I want you to see that there is a great ⁓ solution to your isolation or loneliness when you embrace doing ministry with people. Even a young protege, keep take people to to come along. What is the system? What is the structure do you have that you can work in a team? Now, this may seem obvious, but has to be said. Will this eliminate the eliminate the problem of isolation? Absolutely not. You're still going to face it, even if you're a team approach guy, but it will start helping you build community. Because it doesn't mean ⁓ that you have a team, you'll be with that team forever. In fact, Paul, he actually had a lot of people around him and people came in his life and they left his life. Some for good, some not so good. Second Timothy chapter four verse 10 through 12, ⁓ Paul is writing to Timothy, ⁓ his spiritual son, and he mentions a couple of people by name, how they've left him. He said, For Demas in love with the present world, well, he deserted me. He went to Thessalonica. ⁓ Christian, he gone to Galatia. Titus, he went to Demaltea. Luke alone is with me. And he says, Get Mark to bring him with you, for he is very useful for the ministry. Tychicus, well, he I've sent him to Ephesus. We see that in Paul's Ministry team approach. There were many people deserting him, but there was also people that he was sending. It was a constant thing. He said, Only Luke is with me. And he says something interesting in this passage. He says, Why don't you get me Mark? He asked for Mark. He wanted people around. You see, there will be people, unfortunately, in our lives like a demis that will hurt us. It's not fun, guys, when we get stabbed in the back when people leave on bad situations. But there will be people in our lives that are a joy like. ⁓ Ticachus, ⁓ Tychekis. ⁓ he he'll literally be sent. We'll be able to raise up people and send people for the glory of God, but it's still painful. So we'll have some people leave for good, some people leave for bad. a pastor friend of mine right now, ⁓ Matt Messiano, ⁓ he but shout out to you, Matt. ⁓ he keeps on reminding me, listen, you're to love people when they are with you, you're to love people when they leave you, and you're love people when they come back. We're to love people People, whoever's in front of us, as people come, as people go. And loving people is hard, especially when they leave. Paul's like, listen, this person left me for bad reasons. This person left me for good reasons. Only Mark was with me, and he has does something wise for our second principle. He asked for Mark. I want you to write this down. Be proactive in pursuing people. If we're gonna be in a team approach, we're gonna have people leave that team, join that team, and then man. It's just going to be constant moving. You need to proactively pursue people because they will come in and out of your life. And the reality is we love people, whether they are with us for a month, a year, or 10 years. We need to be open to this. And we need to understand this is a pretty obvious one. Jesus had disciples around him and he said, Hey, come follow me. Who are you asking to follow? Who are you asking to be a part of your life? To proactively pursue people. ⁓ now listen, we're not Jesus, but we need people, and we need to ask people to follow us. ⁓ and this is a good thing. Paul's asking Mark in this text, Come with me. You're valuable to this team. And in most of Paul's letters, his final greeting were to a whole bunch of people. Paul valued relationships so much he pursued them. In fact, I would say he wasn't as fruitful ⁓ when he wasn't ⁓ at peace with the people around him and actually pursued. Relationship, because he knew that was ministry, even sometimes over a program or ministry. If you read the second letter of Corinth, ⁓ Cor Corinthians, second Corinthians chapter two, verse thirteen, it actually says that he was struggling because he didn't find Titus. They got separated and he's like, I need I need my spiritual son. And he goes, My spirit was not at rest because I did not find my brother Titus there. So I took leave of them and I went to Macedonia. He could have ministered and stayed and done the pass, quote unquote, but he was distracted because he he wanted to have his brother, his ministry partner there with him. And I think for us, this is an important lesson to understand. Ministry always isn't about what we're doing. Sometimes it's about who we're doing it with. And we need to proactively understand we need to pursue people and ministry is to people. You're to minister to your wife. You're to minister to your family. They're pretty important people in your life that you shouldn't neglect just to do church stuff. In fact, I would say Peter says actually, if you're in sin and you're against your wife, it's gonna hinder your prayer life. You need to make sure sometimes these relationships are in order. People in your church matter, people on your team matter. Let us not forget the gospel is very relational. And just as God pursued us, now being image bearers of God, we need to pursue other people. And so what does that look like for you to pursue relationship? I know that we're all busy, we're all trying to build God's kingdom, but he builds the church and he tells us. To be kingdom minded. ⁓ for some, that means you simply going to an annual conference every year, ⁓ building that system and structure and proactively going so you can have a relationship. For others, you need to schedule a monthly breakfast or maybe a phone call. ⁓ for some of us, hey, being a part of a cohort, a monthly meeting with pastors to talk scripture and just learn from one another is actually a very good thing to build into our lives so we don't feel isolated and alone. So, whatever it is, just make sure that you take responsibility for it and you pursue people in relationship. Well, it goes to the third principle I found in the Apostle Paul. Even though he pursued relationship, he built systems and had a team, he didn't invest in everyone. And listen, you can't either. Don't invest in everyone. Your time is limited and you need wisdom. You can't invest in everyone, and you're not supposed to. ⁓ let's go back to family, right? ⁓ you're supposed to have one wife, not multiple wives. You study your wife, you love her and know her. You can only have so many kids. ⁓ there's there should be a dynamic in your life where you understand you can't do it all. Even Jesus in his ministry, he chose 12. And then he had Peter, James, and John, it seems like a little bit closer to him to mentor, to walk, to invest in. ⁓ he would pull them aside. The reality is you can't and shouldn't invest in everyone, but you can and should invest in someone. Your family, ⁓ people in a small group around you, ⁓ executive team, leadership, ⁓ whoever it may be. ⁓ I tell people in the church as we're growing right now at our church, ⁓ I got this from my friend Neil Spencer. He says, well, the goal is not to know everyone, but it is to be known. We need to be known by someone and we need to know others. Who knows you? How are you giving time to people? How are you investing in people so that they actually know you? This is gonna take time. It's often said that love is spelled T-I-M-E. Okay? You need to spend time to cultivate relationships. And you can really invest in people and not regret it. John Maxwell says this: You'll never regret the time you invest in people. So who are you gonna invest in? Because Paul told. People in Ephesus church, hey, you need to be wise how you walk. Don't be unwise, but be wise. What what is wise? Have you done an assessment of your calendar to invest in people? Because Paul told tells us, and he told Timothy, to invest in other people that will actually receive a relationship and you can impart wisdom and and work together. He says in t second Timothy two, two, what you have heard from me in the presence of many witnesses, and trust a faithful men who will be able to teach others. Also pick some faithful men and women to invest in, and then here's a thought do it. Just do it. Just spend your time wisely. Don't think that you can invest in everyone, but still invest in someone. Well, the fourth principle I want you to understand when thinking and how to deal with isolation, loneliness. Don't trust your feelings. Do not trust in your feelings. Now, a great example of this is Elijah. ⁓ in first Kings chapter 19, he declared to God. It's only me. I'm the only one. Now we know this story. I'm not going to go into it. You can read it on your own, but he wasn't the only one. In fact, he had a servant that he left in isolation to go complain to God. He was trusting in his feelings, and it was a real bad situation for him. But listen, you and I, as church leaders, as Christians, we cannot base our life off of feelings. We base it off of faith. And Paul had to learn this. That he was not alone because physically at times when when his team was coming and going, he was alone, but he wasn't spiritually. Now we know the Lord never leaves us nor forsakes us. And he told his young protege, I had I had to learn that godliness plus contentment is great gain. You're gonna have to learn this as a church leader. Everyone can't be with you all the time and hold your hand. You have to actually learn in trusting God in his word, but then also just trusting God for your strength, ⁓ that he needs to be the closest person. That you are ⁓ investing in and spending time with and building systems and structures to get to know him. we can't trust our feelings as people come and go and say, Woe is me. You know, Paul the apostle, he had some hardships. He writes about that in Corinthians. And when he was in prison, writing to the Philippians in Philippians chapter 4, verses 11 through 13, ⁓ he would tell them this: not that I am speaking of need in anything, for I have learned. In whatever situation I am to be content. Godliness plus contentment is great gain, he told Timothy. But I had to learn in whatever situation to be content. Even when I felt isolated, even when people abandoned me, even when I had to send that person I spent all this time and energy and effort, training them up so that they can serve me and my church. No, we serve people, we love people to point them to Jesus, not to build our ministry. And so Paul said, I know how to be brought low and I know how to abound. But in anything and everything, every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hungry, abundance and need. He says, I can do all things through him who strengthens me. You know you can get a lot of strength in the Lord when you don't trust your feelings. ⁓ God will never leave you nor forsake you. And there will be seasons when you feel isolated, but God will send more people. God will send more labors. The community will be built. You are a part of a body. And you could learn to trust God and cling to Him in every situation, not your feelings, especially when you learn in ministry that people do come and go, that you have an amazing dream team, and then all of a sudden your dream team collapsed because there's a God sovereign, providential trade in the dream team, and people are leaving. I had to learn this from a very young age as we planted our church. ⁓ I had to ask God And pray and ask him for to not to be callous. The first year we were a very small church plant, and yet we still saw two hundred and fifty-nine people come in that first year. They came and then they left. They came and then they left. They came and then they left. And I just had to continue to say, Man, godliness was consentment great gain. God, whoever you sin in my life today, let me love. I'm not gonna trust in my feelings. I'm gonna invest. I'm gonna help out. I'm gonna build these systems. And Lord, I'm gonna trust that I could even pray and ask. Not for you to send labors, but people to minister with and build this team. So I regularly ask, even still, Lord, don't make me callous. Help me to love the people that you put in front of me. They're a gift, and we're to love people however that we can, whenever we can, because they are a gift. And we have to understand, even within being a church leader of the church, we are a part of the body and we can function in that. There are some unique challenges as a church leader, but we're still a part of the body and we may not feel like anyone gets it. But they don't have to get it. Everyone's not a mouth. Everyone's not an arm. Everyone's not a leg. We all have different functions and we can walk together in community, trusting in God. And so we literally are around God's people all the time as church leaders. And so this is the fifth and final principle I want to teach you. If you're going to be around people, whether they're coming or going and building all these systems and structures and you decide to invest, you're going to have to learn this principle, lastly. You're going to have to be vulnerable. If you're going to overcome isolation and loneliness, you have to be vulnerable. You see, Paul. He was around a lot of people. Romans chapter 16. He was around a lot of people. ⁓ In Romans chapter 16, it's a chapter full of all these different people, but he was vulnerable. In the beginning of chapter one, ⁓ the beginning of Romans chapter one, he says, For I long to see you, verse eleven, that I may impart to you some spiritual gift to strengthen you. That is, that we may be mutually encouraged by each other's faith, both yours and mine. Paul realized that That he had a gift to serve people, but he also knew he had to receive from people. Do you know this? Can you have people come alongside of you and and encourage you and know you and really be known? You see, Paul didn't just preach to people, he lived a life with people. First Thessalonians chapter two, verses seven through eight says, But we, well, we were gentle among you, like a nursing mother, taking care of our own children, so being affectionately desirous of you. We were ready to share with you not only the gospel of God, but also ourselves. Do you see that language? He shared himself. He was vulnerable. He did serve the body. I can't wait to see you, church in Rome. But not just so I could see you impart things, but I need you to impart things to me. Let's live together. Let's let's not just preach this gospel and share the gospel. He says, I want to share myself because of you. I am very dear for you. There was affection, there was vulnerability. You know, being vulnerable means that you're open and honest about your feelings and experiences, even though it may be risky. And sure it is risky. Sure, people can stab you in the back. You gotta be careful of what you share and who you share it with. But it should be a part of our discipleship. You see, that's the problem right now. In our c culture, in our community, ⁓ we're we're the most connected people of all time in history with social media. And yet we're the most isolated and depressed. Why? Because people aren't vulnerable on social media. They're not real. They're giving their highlights, but they're not vulnerable, expressing true feelings and a mutual community or a mutual edification. James 5 16 says there's actually healing when we confess our sins to one another, when we when we're vulnerable to one another and praying for one another, when we have genuine coining our fellowship. Make sure that when you're serving in pe with people and in a team that you're vulnerable. Paul shared his life with others. That was very vulnerable. It helped him. Not only to make disciples, but to be in community. And so to recap five principles from the Apostle Paul and how to deal with being isolated and lonely in ministry as a as a lead pastor, as a church planner, as a kids volunteer coordinator, like wherever you serve, you're gonna deal with it at some moment. You can do some things to help. Number one, build systems of structure in your life. Build systems to support relationship, work in a team. Number two, be proactive in pursuing people. People are gonna leave your team. Okay, they may backstab you, they may be sent off, but we need to pursue people and keep on recruiting and asking God to send people and proactively do that. Number three, we need to invest in people, but not everyone. You can't invest in everyone. Don't invest in everyone, but invest in someone. Number four, don't trust your feelings. Yes, yes, it will feel like you're isolated and be lonely when people leave and they come and they go, but you're not alone, you're a part of the body. It's a simple process you gotta trust it and number five when people are in your life you need to be vulnerable these five principles will help us as church leaders as pastors as those that are leading others in ministry to truly not feel isolated or alone and so those are just a few thoughts on the subjects of being isolated or lonely and how to deal with it. And man I just really hope that these principles were very practical and thoughtful and As you deal with this issue in your life, it will come up, but just remember we can actually do something to fight against isolation and loneliness.