S3E3: Conflict and Criticism

Hey everyone, so thanks for leaning into this session. ⁓ today we're talking about something that I think every leader will face at some point conflict and criticism. If you're leading anything, church, small group, a team, you are going to deal with both. The goal isn't to avoid them, but to learn how to navigate them, but just not navigate them, but navigate them faithfully. So I'm gonna suggest, you know, that I am not a guru. I I am a learner trying to help other learners learn. But I, you know, I found this framework to be somewhat helpful when it comes to the need to lead with clarity and peace. And it's an acronym. ⁓ it's the word CALM, C-A-L-M. Number one, consider the cause. James chapter four, verse one says, What causes fights? And quarrels among you? Don't they come from your desires that battle within you? You know, conflict usually doesn't start with what happened. It starts with why it matters so much to someone. A lot of times people bring unmet expectations, maybe past hurt, could be church hurt, or just, you know, just living life. You're hurt. ⁓ maybe insecurity. and when I'm navigating criticism or conflict. I try to just take a deep breath and say, Okay, Lord, what is really going on here? ⁓ you know, I've I've often had people give feedback cards to ⁓ sermons or just services in general. I got one on Sunday that said something like, What happened to this church? It used to teach the Bible, now it's just announcements and stories. And I thought, Wow, okay. but you know, I've realized something. That ⁓ often people that share something, especially by way of a comment, that don't sign it, well, I don't really take it to heart, but I also recognize that there may be a wounding there. There may be an unmet expectation there, there may be antagonism. Who knows what's there? and on Sunday we taught a lot about, you know, God's grace. And you never know, that may be a triggering point for somebody. That it wasn't really about me. And it kind of helped me respond with understanding and empathy, not defensiveness. So, you know, you may ask, well, how does that apply? Well, before reacting, pause, pray, ask, is this really about me, or is there something deeper going on? And I guess just try and consider what what typically triggers conflict in your leadership role? Have you taken time to examine maybe the root causes? And sometimes That kind of consideration is best done in trusted community. ⁓ right now I have a blind spot. I can't see behind me, though you can. You can see the golf breeze shop sign and this little surfboard that says, well, see, I can't even know where to go. Mercy or something like that. we need help. We need one another. So, you know, I guess the first point that I would just offer for consideration is consider the cause. Secondly, address things. You gotta speak, but us address with good. Grace and truth. Ephesians chapter 4, verse 15 is a ⁓ well-beloved verse. Speak the truth in love. Many of us can often swing to one direction or another. Either we can avoid hard conversations or we can just bulldoze people in Jesus' name, in the name of the truth. But Paul tells us to speak the truth in love. And that takes maturity and spiritual sensitivity. You know. Jesus didn't ignore Peter's denial, but he didn't shame him either. He met him at the beach and said, Do you love me? And I think that's the kind of grace that restores. So I don't know if you use this word, but like don't ghost someone who's hurt you and don't gossip about them either. Go to them. Maybe own your part. Be kind, but but be clear. And you know that those two words, you always. Maybe just ask, hey, I noticed, or it appears this way, or I'm kind of maybe not message intended, but message received. And just a thought for reflection. How can you grow in balancing grace and truth in your communication? Well, one other point to consider is that we should listen and learn from criticism. Proverbs chapter 27, verse 6 says, Faithful are the wounds of a friend. ⁓ Nobody likes being criticized. I mean, I've never met anybody that has. But if we shut it all out, we stop growing. E even harsh feedback can have a helpful truth buried in it. You know, I was in Arizona last year and I heard David ⁓ Guzig share something from the from the stage. It was a leadership conference at Calvary Tucson, and he it was on this topic of criticism, and he's he made this statement. He said, you know. If we treat a critic, someone who's giving feedback as an enemy, often they will be obliged to become one. That often it may just start as feedback. And if we don't have a feedback culture, we can kind of shrivel or explode when we finally receive it. And here's the deal: you will receive it. So you might as well face it. criticism stings, but it doesn't have to scar you. Stay teachable. I think I shared this at the beginning of our time together. My father always said, you know, Neil, if you're going to step into a role of a pastor, especially a teaching pastor, a lead pastor, and you are going to be entrusted with sharing the Word of God on a consistent basis, you must embrace this truth. You are simply a learner. Serving, helping other learners learn. So be teachable. stay teachable. And and you know what helps with that? At least for me, half a dozen children. That really helps me. You know, I have a 16-year-old, a soon-to-be 14-year-old, a soon to be 12-year-old, a soon to be 10-year-old, a soon to be, ⁓ I guess he's about to be six years old and then a soon-to-be four-year-old. And a wife of 17 years. And those those relationships are very faithful to keep me. Teachable. I mean, maybe just a question to consider. What's one piece of criticism you've received that shaped your leadership for the better? Well, fourth and final point: maintain the mission over your ego. 2 Timothy 2, verse 24 says, The Lord's servant must not be quarrelsome, but kind to everyone. You know, churches, there's politics, there's personal preferences, there's even power dynamics, and it's easy to get distracted and even discouraged. But listen to me, guys. The mission is too important to get pulled into every single argument or always feel that we have to prove that we're right, or listen to me. Always have to have the last word. You know, ⁓ David Shirley, when I was in Bible college in Mirietta, ⁓ 2001 to 2003, he he said this thing in kind of his North Carolinian, is that a word, North Carolinian, North Carolinian ⁓ Southern situation. He said, you know, when there's conflict, Jesus doesn't take sides, Jesus just takes over. And I love that. That you know. It it's about Jesus. It's about what he's called us to do, not about what people think about us, you know. So I you know, Jesus, I mean, it is he he he he is the Sunday school answer for a reason. effective ministry always only flows from intimacy with Jesus. And so stay focused on him. Be the one who diffuses tension, not who increases it. You know, I had a season where I served Jesus in a church in ⁓ Santa Barbara, California. And my college pastor was ⁓ Pastor Britt Merrick before he planted the church in Carpinteria and some other things if you're familiar with that story. And I remember a season probably in like ⁓ maybe 2006, 2007, where we had a pastor on staff who went out maybe two minutes down the road, wasn't necessarily sent out two minutes down the road to start a church. And it was really built on, hey, we're gonna do it better than how John Spencer's done it. That's that's my father. And ⁓ I reached out to Britt. I said, Hey, hey, Britt, like what what what do I do here? Like this is this is new to me. And it hurts. Like this pastor, I've known him since I was a kid, and he like taught my sister gymnastics, and we've traveled together, and I mean I think. Thought we were family. I thought we were brothers. I mean, what what do I how do I what do I do, Britt? And Britt said, Neil, listen to me. Don't you dare allow the gospel to get a black eye in that community. He said, No one at the surf shop cares about your church, his church, your dad, but da da da. They just see Christians doing what Christians do often. Conflict, criticism, division. Don't do it, Neil. If the guy's going, let him go. But speak well of him. you know, my father recently shared a story with me about when he was in Kansas City, Missouri, ⁓ serving a church. We're gonna close with this, don't worry. but the pastor was bringing in prophetesses and different dynamics, you know, and he was felt like it was time to go. Pastor's name was Dwayne. So my dad scheduled a meeting with Dwayne. My dad wasn't working there, but you know, serving there like he was working there. And he said, You know, Pastor Dwayne, my wife and I are moving on. And so the pastor asked, he said, Well, John, let me ask you two questions. What could I have done to be a better pastor to you? My dad said, Well, you could stop with the prophetesses, you know. Okay, well, second thing, what are you gonna do when people call you and ask why you're leaving the church? So here's what I'm gonna tell them, Pastor Duane. That I already met with you. And if they want to know why I've left the church, that they should call you because I talk to you. And I love that about my dad. That at that young age in the Lord, he knew I'm not gonna go against the leader of that church in a way where I share all my grievances. I'm gonna share it directly to the leader and I'm just gonna trust the Lord and publicly I'm gonna affirm the gospel. Not gonna let the gospel get a black eye, ⁓ but privately I'll communicate to leadership and I I just love that. And ⁓ I just kind of a closing question, I guess. Is there a situation right now where you need to choose the mission over personal pride? You know, conflict and criticism, here's the deal, guys. It's not going anywhere. But how we respond can make all the difference. So let's be calm, consider the cause, address with grace, listen and learn, and maintain the mission. And I, you know, above all. Keep a soft heart. Ministry is not for the faint of heart, but I do think you need like thick skin, a sharp mind, and a soft heart. And if you're in ministry for a long time, what's coming for us all is the opposite of that. ⁓ I've I've done this sermon. I've been here. Lazy mind. I'm not even, I'm not trying to create anymore. I'm not going for it. And man, I've been so wounded. I'm gonna guard my heart, you know, bitter. Salty, charred. And instead of thick skin, it's thin skin. Everything's against So don't go that way, guys. Don't don't be lazy. Don't be thin skinned. Don't be hard hearted, but have a soft heart, thick skin, and a sharp mind. And above everything else, Jesus, this is Jesus' gig, man. We love him. And before we're ministers, we're his men, we're his boys, we're his disciples. ⁓ Jesus is not our employer, he's our savior. So stay calm, consider, address, listen, and maintain, and stay in love with Jesus.